Bin Laden Death Reminds Local Man To Disfavor Muslims
Guest contributor to Loonwatch
Local man James Delaney told reporters Monday that the death of Osama Bin Laden re-sparked his hostility towards American-Muslims.
“Years after the shock of September 11th, I became a little lost,” Delaney remembered. “I thought before I spoke, I watched documentaries on the history and culture of Islam, I made the distinction between Islam’s approximate 975,000,000 members and the handful of terrorists in the world – I just wasn’t feeling like myself.”
The change came as a result of the Osama bin Laden killing. According to Brock Alden, a friend of Delaney, who was with him the night the news was announced, Delaney logged onto Twitter and read several Islamophobic tweets posted by notable comedians, admired colleagues, and strangers around the country.
Delaney recalls the night.
“I read one tweet from a comedian that said, ‘To celebrate, New York City should grant each citizen to punch a cab driver in the face!’ I thought, boy, that sounds a lot like my earlier years when I found relief by placing my fears and insecurities on vulnerable members of a minority. That sounds like fun!’”
After reading several Islamophobic tweets, Delaney felt inspired to write one himself:
Posted by Delaney was the following: Death to America? Death to all Muslims and Islam – we won!!! #TeamUSA
“Honestly,” said Alden. “I hadn’t seen James feel that much pride since after September 11th when he faxed an Imam a drawing of Porky Pig. He recently went through a divorce, so I was just glad to see him excited again.”
Within minutes of sending his last tweet of the night, ideas fired through Delaney’s head.
“I was killing it,” Delaney recalls.
According to assistant Imam Muhammad Abid of the East Center Mosque, Delaney had sent the mosque’s Imam an email saying, ‘Take that, camel jockeys! Your leader’s dead!’, along with an attached mp3 of Delaney signing the American national anthem.
Said Delaney, “It’s a blessing to feel alive again.”
When asked if Delaney had listened to President Obama’s speech reminding Americans to distinguish the difference between bin Laden and American-Muslims, Delaney shook his head, and responded, “Yes. It’s good to make that distinction. But if Bin Laden’s death taught me anything it’s that you can go at any minute. Do I really want to waste more time making distinctions?”
Delaney shared his plans for the future. “Well, to be honest, I have kind of calmed down as of late – I’ve been busy grading my students’ chemistry homework. But, hopefully, with the AP exams done and over in June, I’ll get some free time. I have an amazing idea for a graphic T – it’s great to have a hobby again.”
Imam Hasan Akbar, the recipient of Delaney’s hate mail, was unavailable for comment. According to the assistant Imam Muhammad Abid, Akbar had left to buy 10 American flags.
The piece is satire. Darius Emadi is a writer comedian based in Seattle, WA.